I kept fighting. And here we are now.

I'll write this so I won't forget.

**∆∆

We didn't talk, those few days, it was sad, the questions in my head, the doubt that crept in me.

I gave affection and you took it freely, then pulled away.

We drove in my car, I took you to the industrial part of the city, close to my old middle school.

We talked, what did we even talk about?

You said you didn't want to hurt anybody,

I think I told you I was willing to be hurt this time if you took a chance, though I did not say those words exactly.

I said I felt something that first time I kissed you, you called this conversation "interesting"

"why can't it just be good?"

"I don't know"

I dropped you off, I hit my steering wheel in frustration as I drove away.

You got away.

**∆∆

"I don't know how to feel right now"

"I'm sorry, I don't know"

"My initial response was all emotional, i've thought about it for a bit more now, and I would like to hang out this weekend, that is if you fancy adventure"

"I always fancy adventure"

**∆∆

We were drunk, I wanted to make out with you, so we did.

"One of them lives in Chicago, and the other is old news"

**∆∆

We were supposed to be hanging out less, so why couldn't we stay away? We visited chatroulette, stayed up late for no reason.

We kept each other up.

We hung out so much, we basically dated.

You asked me officially in Omaha, your turf, right after that chinese restaurant.

It was good.

**∆∆

We're consistently good, it's remarkable, for now.

Today we each had a bad day, but we spent some time together, we felt better (30 rock helped)

We're we're getting through winter, the thaw is coming soon, and I honestly cannot wait to spend this spring with you.

You are a good thing in my life and I am falling in love with you.

So do I keep fighting?

I was serious you know, the first time we kissed that connection was sparkling.

Don't think it's just coincidence that snow formed once we got cold.

I lit that match to burn some incense, I guess I burned a lot more than I intended.

IMPULSE GOT ME TO NEW YORK.

IMPULSE GOT YOU TO ME.

I

guess

I

am

not

SPECIAL

enough

withoutsomecleverlyplaced

MAGIC.

You tell me.

How excited am I to find the ever so rare INFJ?

More than you'll ever know.

WORD VOMIT

I'm addicted.

I'm addicted to something.

Desire to inspire a spiral of everlasting fire.

I'm hungry.

I'm hungry for something.

Want to flaunt and stomp and chomp.

Everyone wants something, no one is sincere.

Even those you count as near.

My Dear,

It has been a while, but I am ready to put all my eggs in this basket.

If,

you promise you won't get hungry

for scrambled eggs.

They'll break me down, and build me up.

And you know what?

For once

I will let them in

and see

how to be

a man

with

no

sin.

Baby, you're not the shit, you lack DESIRE even though you seem to want DANGER and meaning.

If you're not here to play for the big leagues, then get the fuck out of this game and don't waste my time.

I want you, but don't.

DESIRE, but with no fire.

You want me, then don't....so fuck it.

What i'm trying to do is much more important than you unless you're ready for perfection.

So buck up baby, you got a tough decision to make.

The Sun is my lucky star, and the Moon is my favorite rock.

That empty feeling is coming back.

˚˚∆˚˚

Tonight I lit a cigarette hoping it would calm my nerves.

As the tip began to glow red it feel from my hand.

What a mess.

I wondered around my back yard hoping to stare at the Moon,

but like most things I seem to be searching for now a days, it was nowhere to be found.

A walk, good idea.

As I turned the corner I finally spotted it, glowing in half it's majesty.

Through glasses the Moon seems to sparkle.

I found a bright star and tried to make it my lucky one, but I found no warmth from it.

I realized I already had one.

The Sun is my lucky star, and the Moon is my favorite rock.

I inhaled and felt the smoke steal some of my life away.

What was I doing? I didn't want this, I didn't need it.

I threw it down and took a deep breath.

At least my lungs were happy.

˚˚∆˚˚

Sleep deprivation makes depression easy to catch.

Of the things I get too little of, sleep is right up there, probably next to nourishment.

˚˚∆˚˚

I walked to a bridge close to where I live, the elevation seemed comforting.

As I got closer, the lights surrounding it casted four long shadows around me.

Finally, I wasn't alone, I had an entourage.

A train was was coming, due north.

At the top of the bridge I could pretend that I was on the tracks below without getting hurt.

The lights came closer and I could feel myself getting excited,

a rush,

a danger,

blood pumping.

Before it "hit" me, it stopped, right in the middle of everything.

You think life does things like this on purpose?

˚˚∆˚˚

My entourage and I headed home, deep breaths, slow steps.

I locked myself out.

If I were a braver man, I would have kept on walking.

THE SUN IS MY LUCKY STAR, AND THE MOON IS MY FAVORITE ROCK.

uninspired

There is so much to write, but life doesn't wait for you to get it all down.

September has been good, I think I'm getting ready to do something great if I can all the pieces to fit in nicely.

I'm a little lonely at the moment, mostly because of my own state of mind.

I just walk through everything that happens everyday and I keep searching, asking, and wanting some sort of PURPOSE.

I am fueled by passion, a love and need to express myself in the only way I know i'm good at doing.

But is that enough to live a life on?

What is the alternative? The only ones I see are soulless and are filled with less meaning than what I am doing now.

I can't shake the feeling that something catastrophic is going to happen in my life time that will force me to shift from "living" to "surviving"

It's so fucking pretentious and sounds so stupid, but this thought can't escape my physique.

Blah, I can't even spill my thoughts out here completely, whenever I feel like writing here a million things come up and I forget what I wanted to document.

Love: competition.

I'm a competitive person, but I wish I had better strategy sometimes.

Love: Love.

That's more like it.