It's all about confidence.

Confidence in what you do, in what you see, and what you believe, and what you want to be.

Now that I am back home I have been able to digest what exactly just happened to me.

I gives me a little bit of context, I know where I fit in a little better.

I think the biggest thing I have found out that I don't think too highly of myself, compare me to people from around the country and I still shine.

It's all about confidence.

Every time I leave this town it changes.
I love just driving around, just feeling myself go faster and faster while I let my thoughts escape me and create their own universes.

Where I go isn't as important as how I got there.
"I think you'd do better in a bigger city"
Well, I must say, I definitely agree with you.
But this is my home, this is where my heart lays.
I still have some growing up to do.
And I'd like to grow up by my heart before I do what I need to do.

I talk a lot about myself here, but that is mostly so I can just digest what happens to me, so I can look back and see why I am how I am years later.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I.

She said she liked me cause I was so chill.
Good thing I'll never see her again :p

I am so ready to create something new.
To explore how much I grew.
And to love you too.

Old people interest me quite a bit. I observe one working on a computer and I wonder how much crazy shit he's seen. The one next to him is staring. Wonder why?

What did I learn? I learned that my passion is not a limitation. That my experince should be shared for mutual art. And that girls are shady everywhere..

I try to write what my heart feels, but sometimes the words don't translate.

I try to think about what I am really doing, impulses in my brain are commanding my fingers to move and push buttons, and on the screen comes up letters, symbols, splashes of light.

And apparently this muscle in my body, this entity that is compromised of star dust, chemicals and organic matter, apparently this thing is the cause of it all.









Where does this come from?

I think this week has helped me a lot.

I know I'm not alone, people actually share my story, my confusion.

Where do I fit? Who am I?

And how the fuck did I end up in Lincoln Nebraska?


"For too long have we lived in the shadow of the star spangled banner"

...

This world is crazy! I can barely handle it anymore.

Why? I just wonder so much.

So many questions, so many half truths, so many lies.

Pain, suffering, death and confusion.

politics, hierarchy, hypocrisy









But then, whats love got to do with it?




"let's follow our hearts and make something of ourselves."

I always like the middle best.
There is such drive, such motivation.

I can't decide how I want to live my life.
But I don't have to decide yet.



And I guess the truth is, I never have to decide.

Cause the life I'm trying to decide to have, is the life I'm living anyway.










I can feel my soul crying.

I wish I could save everyone.

The kids here are...like me. What is this? Suddenly the world does not seem so lonley.

I feel like...I belong.

Sitting in the plane waiting to start this program. We shall see what I will learn this week.

June 19th.

God I hate this day.

I'm doing a mini documentary on the children of the rehab patients at the Antlers Center.

I interviewed the first kid today, she was 10 years old.














That's how old I was.













Was I really so young?

We know not what comes after death, but we know that death comes after us.

Humans.


















One day we will see.


The day we become everything.

"If this is how you folks make art, its fucking depressing."


sometimes I just let myself type and type and type until i run out of things to say. Today i told one of my former better friends that I thought she did to many drugs, she seemed really standoffish about it but hopefully the jolt of reality has made her head start thinking. So much talent to waste, so much talent to waste.


Soon I will do this with another friend who I feel is wasting away their life, is it really my place to do this to these people? I don't want to be THAT friend, the preachy mother fucker no one can stand, but jesus, so much talent to waste and talent is not very common in all honesty.


Man today was nuts, i had to make some car insurance payments and boy o boy was it a dent in my wallet, well in all honesty it really wasn't all that much cause I can afford it THANK GOD, I feel light years ahead of some people when it comes to growing up, it still hasn't hit my like a ton of bricks as I was promised it would but at least I know the bricks are coming.


and knowing is half the battle

to keep this up you have to type even if you have nothing to say, and so that is exactly what I am doing right now.

I went to other wells fargos to see how they all worked, some where better, others worse. I like where I work. Everyone is real nice and I finally think I have them mostly figured out. It is just too bad I might not get a chance to let them know me :O


I feel destinies pulling at me. and they desperately want to win. They both want to take my life and run with it, but I have the final word, the final choice to see where I go.

I feel like I am someone with a destiny, maybe I'm just full of myself, but Idk, does everyone feel like this? I just feel like something is guiding me, like there is a plan.


I think the universe, or whatever the fuck it is that is guiding me is pulling me towards political science/law or film/entrainment industry.

I have no the time to be big time in both areas.

Latinos are about to wield so much power, and sooner rather than later. And I would be lying if I didn't want to be a part of that.

But this up rise must also be caught in art, and I'd like to be a part of that too.

I want to make a movie on the experience of one of my friends, I already have the boy I want to make a film about, now I just need the girl. I already have some ideas.


"And I hope that our candles flicker and die, so our hearts don't burn to the ground"

Man o man, "lets get some soda?" That made me chuckle, I wonder why you are how you are.

And i wonder why I am how I am


My family, I wish I knew them better.

My little nephew is so cool, he loves all the little jokes I do with him, but I feel like a douche bag cause he doesn't play with anybody else when I'm around.

But maybe I should just think about his happiness and play with him :)


New student enrollment is coming up, I think I shall take intro to anthropology. Why? Because I feel like my life is pulling me there as well.


So we'll just go with the flow.


This seems to be very long but I'm just typing typing away.

I love poetry, I just wish i understood it.


This is raw, this is me, this is what I am meant to be.

Just a little memory.




take my advice, please, just please.


you

are the reason

"If i don't go to hell when I die I might go to heaven"


but probably not.

my fingers are tired.



PHEW!

"You live in a unforgivng place."

I know everyone feels like their life

I wonder if it's not already too late...




Maybe I missed the bus.

"And did they tell you the name of the game, boy? They call it riding The Gravy Train"














Iran burns, as I shop for over prices laptops.



When will my karma catch up with me?

Sticks and stones my break my bones

But words, they can convert me. 

My fascination with greatness has recently gotten me fascinated with the lives and trials of the computer industry, a place I wanted to enter as a freshman in high school.

I wanted to be a computer programer, mostly because of the influence of my older brother I do believe.

Where did my want to be a movie director take shape? I remember when it was mostly a joke I told to myself, when did it become feasible to me?

If I ever do make it it big, it's crazy to think that one little change, one minor deflection in my life that I did between the ages of 14-16 changed my life forever and ever.

That being said, what decisions am I making now that will do the same?

I think we both know, lets just say it already, k?

A poet never sleeps, 

But a dreamer never wakes up.

So which one am I?

Using my sociological perspective...

*using a meyer voice of course

My goodness, facebook. I love the social patterns you can see on that website. 

Interesting thing happend to me on the way to the office today...

...i graduated from LHS.

today I experienced the greatest feeling of my life.

Nothing is the same.

Yet nothing really changed.

My heart is beating slowly.

To the universe: thank you.

It's all about who you know. As long as I am in this town I have a bubble of connections wherever I go. I mean, the CEO of wells fargo getting me a job? Jesus.

The thunder shouts, while the moon whispers.

It's hard to understand what they are saying sometimes.

Everytime I talk to you I feel a little empty inside.

Like a part of me is missing that you took away from me.

I don't linger on you.

Only when we speak.

Are you really as happy as you say you are?

...and i'd like to take advantage of a flock of wild birds, 

to make, to make my escape from this planet...

I'm going to get over it, it is simply a question of when, I hope you're ready for that.

The lighting dazzels, and the rain cries

The grass grows, while the sun shines.

As one chapter closes, another begins.

There is no middle, there is no end.

As one chapter closes, another begins.

Friends. Blend. End.

Make amends? 

Someday i'll hit send. 

and then.....

I hadn't talked to you in about two months.

I did not tell you this, nor will you ever read this, but my god did it feel nice to talk to someone who listens like you do.

you do, voodoo, shamu.

My head is a blur, but that is okay.

I hope my sister does not have swinr flu :/ this lays heavy on me.

High school is over, let the real work begin.

If I don't go to hell when I die I might go to heaven