I want happiness, I want love,

I want healthy,good,
and supportive
relationships.


Peace

and

Evolution

But I also want flash

Exuberance

Money

Crazy

The side of me I try my best to hide.

The side of me that seems to seep out the most.

Green keeps my head up high.
Drink keeps my soul down low.
I need less of both.

At this point I feel not happiness
Not sadness
Not loneliness
Not optimism
Not pessimism



I am trying hard to think of the word I want.

Longing?


But for what.

Strange phenomenon

everybody's deranged and I wonder what
happened the day that i fell from the sky
if nobody changed
then it must've been my
mind.

Don't forget

to

branch out.



Comfort has its

virtue.

but

it


simply


is

the

start

Oh yes,

you know

life is good

and

I find

comfort in

feelings

that are true.

Haven't been on here for about a week.

If those last posts prove anything it's that Alcohol is no remedy for an aching soul.

It just feeds the demons, makes them stronger, and there they were beating me pretty hard.


///


Thoughts, visions, anything your mind can imagine the demons inside you will use to haunt you.

Always a risk to let them roam.

If my soul is healthy it isn't that bad, they can't gang up on me.


But an aching soul will take its toll when I am all alone.

But they didn't beat me.




What does it mean for them to beat me?
Let me never find out.

\\\

So what fixes an aching soul?


:::

Someone who loves you back.

Someone who understands the slice you show them.



Someone who can take a second and talk to you,

To exist with you,

Get under your skin and show you what they see.

It's not always pretty, but what's the point if no one tells you?






This is why I love you: You love me back.

I think I realized this as we sat there and played with each others hands,

those hypnotic motions, exploring each others intricate emotions.


We were at peace, and like that, my soul stopped to ache.

Simple love.



When you talked about marriage it was interesting to simulate the possibility in my mind.
I guess I'm getting to the age where you meet the people you might marry some day.

We're too young to really think it a possibility of course.

But you are good for my soul,
so I will keep you
in my life
forever.



Somehow.

I think you only get so many chances to be a good person before someone will forever hitch you with the label "bad person"

But what if that person is trying to change, for the better?

How fucking confusing is it to hear silence back?

To not get the chance to put it on track?

Nothings forever, not even that.
A new day comes, the old becomes hazy fact.











The past can be molded however you want it, the future has not yet responded.

But I know what is good for me now.

Love to consume,

Love in bloom,
Love in the gloom,
Love in costume,
Love in the moon,

Love with no gimmick,
Love with no limit,


Love when I don't get hit.

Love when she says she means it.







The wind howls outside,
I try to find,
a stride,

a way to live my life.




A life with strife and everything that makes it right.

Snow builds, sunlight makes it bright,

And then, it's alright.

it's alright

Fuck that shit, fuck it. It' not stronger than me. Fuck anything else but what I can do, if everyone else just leaves I'll have to pass this on my own and i can

This is a fucking battle, the thoughts in my head want to overtake me, remake me, retrace me. It chose now. Idk what will happen. Let my dreams not haunt me.Plz

Why now. I can't stand this. Something has to change. I can't stand this but no one listens anymore. So i have to stand it. And im going insane i can feel it.

I'VE never been more haunted, more tormented. It won't let me sleep. And it choose the time when i'd be most alone to strike. No one anymore here. All alone.

I can't fucking fall asleep.

I'm trying so fucking hard, I just want this nightmare to end but the dreams and the constant beams won't stop.

False faces and false bases, i need to get out of these placees. I need to break free from traces of what there was and what there case is.

Inside demons roar, dreams soar, love galore, hate no more.




Outside the world is cold, and we grow old.






Love is sharp, cuts my heart.

Hate is cheap, attracts sheep.

Friendship is fragile,

Courage will dazzle,

Unless the cliff is too steep.








But what's that I see only when I sleep?

When my pulse freezes, and my spirit weeps?








Brain waves slow,

there to show,

what I dare not admit to think.





Demons roar, dreams soar, souls pushed to the brink.




The world is cold, and we grow old: the story we are forced to drink.

blink

Ignore the last post, I just needed it for a screenshot for a class.

ENGL 151, if you don't remember in the future, you asked the nice teacher for an extension and she gave you one.

It was working on this project that you had fits of depression, nasuea, and all sorts of crazy emotions that had nothing to do with what you were trying to write.

It was also where you decided that next semester you were ready to try harder, because you were sick of being where you are.

College won't break me.
I've gone through harder than this.

Facebook

Today I was thinking of facebook and how much time people waste time on it, and how the friends they make on it or try to keep on it end up being superficial and not real friends at all.

It's a sad state to see when you measure your social standing by the number of notifications you get.

So I thought I'd write a little poem, to express just how I'm feeling:

Facebook passes time,


Up till early sunshine,


Change your status, make it rhyme,


Don't work on Spanish, there’s contacts online.



Don't go to recitation, you got 4 new notifications!

Sit on your ass and be social!
Don’t go to class and be social!
Make friends super fast and be social!
Post pics that are trash and be social!
Don’t want to pass? Be social!
Cage in your mind and BE SOCIAL!
More connected everyday, lose your humanity in a social way!

So deep.

Put on a mask.

Let them talk all they want.

They'll never see you if you wear that mask through and through.

Sometimes you gotta just up and do things.

///

My dreams of late have been interesting, in one I was in what seemed like a counterstrike map and I was cornered by some type of organization that seemed like a mafia family.

All around me, hoods stood ready to do me in, but somehow I fought through it and survived enough to get away. I was outside the building and getting ready to jump off when...



I woke up.

--==: ]"==--

He He he.




PUT THAT IN A BOX!


///

It snowed, a lot.
Got stuck, no one to help me out, I got myself out.
Then I cleared the driveway because I needed to park there, it was a lot of work.







You know, it really feels great to be INDEPENDENT.





So fuck ya'll.
Cause sometimes I can do it by myself.

But

I do like

team work

Cause sometimes I need a little bit of help to get me through.

CONTROL.
WILL POWER.
LOVE OF THOSE AROUND ME.



///\\\


My anti drug?

More like what separates me from the junkies.

But, I take in the words of Lil Wayne at times like this.

"A junkie can't do what I do"



I take a lot of risks in my life, but I can handle em with a little help from my friends.

PS: Girl you got it going on, and I'm going to laugh if we fall in love or something.

Cause I almost didn't walk into that room.

and I almost slept through the meeting.

and I almost said no to going to the concert.

Here I go again, thinking way ahead of myself, but just like anything, I will wait and see how it goes.

Besides, for some reason every time I fall in love it feels like the first time. So lets see if you can make that happen. And lets see if I can return the favor.

and then again, you could find me too wild and incosistant, and I could find you too boring and busy

you could hate my friends, and I'd probably def hate yours.

But it doesn't really matter, cause it's all a ride, and we're just along for the thrill.

"You're really starting to see that you're growing up"

Oh really? How's that?

Because I still wait till the last minute for everything?
Because I am prone to cut corners?
Because I can't study worth shit?
Because I like instant gratification better than long term invesment?
Because I choose what's easy rather than whats right more often than I should?
Because I treat my friends like shit sometimes?
Because I judge people before giving them a chance?
Because I can't bring myself to fix the problems in my life?
Because I'd rather run away than deal with all the drama I create?
Because I can value love of the flesh over love of the heart?
Because I feel like I am never wrong?
Because I can't bring myself to do mundane tasks?
Because I'm lazy?

It gets harder every single day to get up in the morning, I want to give up.

But I don't, and I'm not, and I'm getting through this, and I can feel it making me stronger.

I feel myself becoming stronger.

Sometimes it takes a sleepless night to cut through the day dream of everyday life.

Maybe I am growing up, but I'll never be perfect.



But I'm human, and it's OK.

It's OK.