Oh dear

We'll file that last one away for now.

Written too much in anger to be a complete reflection of how I feel anyway. I will go back and read it now that I've had a nights sleep.




I am glad the sun is out.

Fighting cats.

The stroke of midnight.

The lone collar.

The strange text.

The built in audience.

The late night email.

But what does it mean?!

Signs from the Universe of course.

I love having someone to bounce ideas with, people usually get lost or bored, but when someone can keep it up it is definitely something to see.

You know,

I try to plan out a lot of things in my life.

C.

I.

M.


But if it's not going to work out the way I planned anyway what is the point?

Do I do anything about it though?

No.


Who has that type of time?

My fingers fall across these letters, but they could never tell you the things I have to say.

Today i would have been at kanye west/ lady gaga. Ha he ho hum.

Its what you all been waiting for ain't it?
What people pay paper for damn it
They cant stand it, they want something new
So let's get re-acquainted
Became the hood favorite
I cant even explain it
I surprise myself too

Life of a Don, lights keep glowin'
Comin' in the club wit that fresh shit on, with something crazy on my arm
Ha Ha Hum, here's another hit, Barry Bonds


We outta here baby!
We outta here baby!
We outta here baby!

starting to feel like there are life in these bones again.

every once in a while i'll come across a piece of writing I stuck in a random place.

Little bursts of inspiration.

I love reading them, sometimes I wonder if I really wrote them.




I found this today, it needs work, could be good someday.






Blank pages, used up stages
a wordsmith rages, this world's late ages.

A screen goes blank, war machines crank
let me be frank: Our world's last phases.

Presidents lie, innocence dies
Kids won't try: their mind in cages
Mouths left unfed, pumped up with meds

And talking heads in bed
with "they" who love to spread
misinformation and cause for dread.

Nothing is new, no love for you.
Try to grow up without losing your soul.

They'll beat you down, throw you around
Hit the ground, that was their goal

Whats that they said?
"A world left for dead"




What will you say when it's all over?
The magic dies, the teacher cries,
are you glad that you grew older?

A hope is just the start
beaming light, endless dark
Fire won't start without a spark.

You can't be weak when things fall apart

Why do all sorority girls look the same?

Inside the fire blares.

Inside there is no air.

Inside the mind is bare.










You were once everything.

No more, not for a while.

No one's fault just how life goes.

But I still know which way the wind blows.

I wish I could fall asleep on command.

I can't stop thinking about spring

When sleep refuses to bring my thoughts to a rest they wiggle, wonder, and wander....

So while this NyQuil does it's magic, I'll type out some things on my mind lately.

Oh, it's not abuse if I'm sick.
Which I am.
:)






Everyday I live my life, but when it all comes down to it my life is simply a speck of time, a fragment of a fragment, not even noticeable on the cosmic scale.

But I still have problems, worries, cares, loves, emotions, and I have a tangible difference in the life of people around me.

That's why I can never quite not give a fuck about anything, but it is also why I can move on so quickly.

I never know what I want except when I do.


From here on out I will simply type and not stop typing even if I have nothing to say.






D was just crazy, never been there before, almost made it to the next level.
But I missed it and maybe for right now it is okay.






This girl is cool, real cool, how the hell do I compete with all those other Indie boys?
I'm no hipster.
I'm no Indie boy.
I really don't know what I am.
I just never will settle for anything less than something special.
Is that you? I barely could even start to say.

Where do I fit in the whole scale of anything?
I am out of place, stuck in a world of in-betweens.
Like that author said, I don't belong to English, though I belong nowhere else.

Why do I keep this? Cause I look back.

I look back.

I guess I always talk about looking towards the future, my dreams, what is to come.
But I think looking back is just as important.
It lets you look at yourself and get to know the essence of who you really are based on past actions.

You can't hide from what you've done, as much as people try to.










Your soul is one I tried to engulf in flame.
Let you taste some of the fire that lives inside my heart.

Maybe it was too much, maybe too little.

In any case, it should have never happened.

I feel guilty knowing you love me more than I love you.

But I can do nothing about it.

I hope you get better, for both our souls.
But mostly for yours.

Webs of thought laid out before me.
Electricity and energy.

When i was up there it seemed like I was fighting for control.
Control of my existence, I felt like I had something I wanted to tell you all.
I need to learn more, I need to have that feeling again, but this time with something to say.

I have to continue to learn.

Well this hasn't helped at all.


My thoughts are too....blurry lately.

This needs to change.



I hope I dream tonight.

Slow thoughts are different than fast ones.



...

Slow thoughts let you dwell into them, suck out every possibility until you're convinced anything could be a reality, or anything could be fantasy.

I hurt a lot more often than I care to admit, I think today I realized why.




Maybe it's just the chemicals in my brain, rearranging.


Eradicating
Exaggerating
compressing
depressing



A certain type of loneliness has been chosen to plague my soul.

One day I'll understand why.

I'm not really down about anything.
I'm not unhappy, but i'm not exited about life.

And that says a lot more than anything I could ever type out.

Well I finally looked at my grades.

And, well, they aren't totally bad, 2.3 GPA is pretty shitty but I can bounce back from that. Plus it lets me keep my scholarships :)

I am not sure how my siblings did their first semester, but I know that I handled it better thatn my imedeatly older sister, I don't know about anyone else.

I guess in the end it dosen't matter, I always was different from them and the path I am taking is no where near the path they are taking.

I used to ask them for advice all the time, I thought it was my right as a younger brother to get a leg up on what was coming in middle school or high school. They would always make fun of me for it, in good nature of course, but I actually did make me pause and think why I wanted that advice.

Eventually I didn't need advice anymore, I was living my own life. The most difficult thing I've had to do ever is try to live my own life without fear that I'm being selfish, or that I will never achieve what I want. It haunts me everyday; the possibilities I give up to peruse the life I want. And I am not even totally living my own life, I like to think I am, but I am also aware that outside forces still shape the course of my life, for better or for worse.

But, I must not lower the expectations of myself, because that is when you begin to sink.

The pressure.
The pain.
The sacrifice.





///



I welcome it all.
I really want to blow them away this semester.