I want happiness, I want love,

I want healthy,good,
and supportive
relationships.


Peace

and

Evolution

But I also want flash

Exuberance

Money

Crazy

The side of me I try my best to hide.

The side of me that seems to seep out the most.

Green keeps my head up high.
Drink keeps my soul down low.
I need less of both.

At this point I feel not happiness
Not sadness
Not loneliness
Not optimism
Not pessimism



I am trying hard to think of the word I want.

Longing?


But for what.

Strange phenomenon

everybody's deranged and I wonder what
happened the day that i fell from the sky
if nobody changed
then it must've been my
mind.

Don't forget

to

branch out.



Comfort has its

virtue.

but

it


simply


is

the

start

Oh yes,

you know

life is good

and

I find

comfort in

feelings

that are true.

Haven't been on here for about a week.

If those last posts prove anything it's that Alcohol is no remedy for an aching soul.

It just feeds the demons, makes them stronger, and there they were beating me pretty hard.


///


Thoughts, visions, anything your mind can imagine the demons inside you will use to haunt you.

Always a risk to let them roam.

If my soul is healthy it isn't that bad, they can't gang up on me.


But an aching soul will take its toll when I am all alone.

But they didn't beat me.




What does it mean for them to beat me?
Let me never find out.

\\\

So what fixes an aching soul?


:::

Someone who loves you back.

Someone who understands the slice you show them.



Someone who can take a second and talk to you,

To exist with you,

Get under your skin and show you what they see.

It's not always pretty, but what's the point if no one tells you?






This is why I love you: You love me back.

I think I realized this as we sat there and played with each others hands,

those hypnotic motions, exploring each others intricate emotions.


We were at peace, and like that, my soul stopped to ache.

Simple love.



When you talked about marriage it was interesting to simulate the possibility in my mind.
I guess I'm getting to the age where you meet the people you might marry some day.

We're too young to really think it a possibility of course.

But you are good for my soul,
so I will keep you
in my life
forever.



Somehow.

I think you only get so many chances to be a good person before someone will forever hitch you with the label "bad person"

But what if that person is trying to change, for the better?

How fucking confusing is it to hear silence back?

To not get the chance to put it on track?

Nothings forever, not even that.
A new day comes, the old becomes hazy fact.











The past can be molded however you want it, the future has not yet responded.

But I know what is good for me now.

Love to consume,

Love in bloom,
Love in the gloom,
Love in costume,
Love in the moon,

Love with no gimmick,
Love with no limit,


Love when I don't get hit.

Love when she says she means it.







The wind howls outside,
I try to find,
a stride,

a way to live my life.




A life with strife and everything that makes it right.

Snow builds, sunlight makes it bright,

And then, it's alright.

it's alright

Fuck that shit, fuck it. It' not stronger than me. Fuck anything else but what I can do, if everyone else just leaves I'll have to pass this on my own and i can

This is a fucking battle, the thoughts in my head want to overtake me, remake me, retrace me. It chose now. Idk what will happen. Let my dreams not haunt me.Plz

Why now. I can't stand this. Something has to change. I can't stand this but no one listens anymore. So i have to stand it. And im going insane i can feel it.

I'VE never been more haunted, more tormented. It won't let me sleep. And it choose the time when i'd be most alone to strike. No one anymore here. All alone.

I can't fucking fall asleep.

I'm trying so fucking hard, I just want this nightmare to end but the dreams and the constant beams won't stop.

False faces and false bases, i need to get out of these placees. I need to break free from traces of what there was and what there case is.

Inside demons roar, dreams soar, love galore, hate no more.




Outside the world is cold, and we grow old.






Love is sharp, cuts my heart.

Hate is cheap, attracts sheep.

Friendship is fragile,

Courage will dazzle,

Unless the cliff is too steep.








But what's that I see only when I sleep?

When my pulse freezes, and my spirit weeps?








Brain waves slow,

there to show,

what I dare not admit to think.





Demons roar, dreams soar, souls pushed to the brink.




The world is cold, and we grow old: the story we are forced to drink.

blink

Ignore the last post, I just needed it for a screenshot for a class.

ENGL 151, if you don't remember in the future, you asked the nice teacher for an extension and she gave you one.

It was working on this project that you had fits of depression, nasuea, and all sorts of crazy emotions that had nothing to do with what you were trying to write.

It was also where you decided that next semester you were ready to try harder, because you were sick of being where you are.

College won't break me.
I've gone through harder than this.

Facebook

Today I was thinking of facebook and how much time people waste time on it, and how the friends they make on it or try to keep on it end up being superficial and not real friends at all.

It's a sad state to see when you measure your social standing by the number of notifications you get.

So I thought I'd write a little poem, to express just how I'm feeling:

Facebook passes time,


Up till early sunshine,


Change your status, make it rhyme,


Don't work on Spanish, there’s contacts online.



Don't go to recitation, you got 4 new notifications!

Sit on your ass and be social!
Don’t go to class and be social!
Make friends super fast and be social!
Post pics that are trash and be social!
Don’t want to pass? Be social!
Cage in your mind and BE SOCIAL!
More connected everyday, lose your humanity in a social way!

So deep.

Put on a mask.

Let them talk all they want.

They'll never see you if you wear that mask through and through.

Sometimes you gotta just up and do things.

///

My dreams of late have been interesting, in one I was in what seemed like a counterstrike map and I was cornered by some type of organization that seemed like a mafia family.

All around me, hoods stood ready to do me in, but somehow I fought through it and survived enough to get away. I was outside the building and getting ready to jump off when...



I woke up.

--==: ]"==--

He He he.




PUT THAT IN A BOX!


///

It snowed, a lot.
Got stuck, no one to help me out, I got myself out.
Then I cleared the driveway because I needed to park there, it was a lot of work.







You know, it really feels great to be INDEPENDENT.





So fuck ya'll.
Cause sometimes I can do it by myself.

But

I do like

team work

Cause sometimes I need a little bit of help to get me through.

CONTROL.
WILL POWER.
LOVE OF THOSE AROUND ME.



///\\\


My anti drug?

More like what separates me from the junkies.

But, I take in the words of Lil Wayne at times like this.

"A junkie can't do what I do"



I take a lot of risks in my life, but I can handle em with a little help from my friends.

PS: Girl you got it going on, and I'm going to laugh if we fall in love or something.

Cause I almost didn't walk into that room.

and I almost slept through the meeting.

and I almost said no to going to the concert.

Here I go again, thinking way ahead of myself, but just like anything, I will wait and see how it goes.

Besides, for some reason every time I fall in love it feels like the first time. So lets see if you can make that happen. And lets see if I can return the favor.

and then again, you could find me too wild and incosistant, and I could find you too boring and busy

you could hate my friends, and I'd probably def hate yours.

But it doesn't really matter, cause it's all a ride, and we're just along for the thrill.

"You're really starting to see that you're growing up"

Oh really? How's that?

Because I still wait till the last minute for everything?
Because I am prone to cut corners?
Because I can't study worth shit?
Because I like instant gratification better than long term invesment?
Because I choose what's easy rather than whats right more often than I should?
Because I treat my friends like shit sometimes?
Because I judge people before giving them a chance?
Because I can't bring myself to fix the problems in my life?
Because I'd rather run away than deal with all the drama I create?
Because I can value love of the flesh over love of the heart?
Because I feel like I am never wrong?
Because I can't bring myself to do mundane tasks?
Because I'm lazy?

It gets harder every single day to get up in the morning, I want to give up.

But I don't, and I'm not, and I'm getting through this, and I can feel it making me stronger.

I feel myself becoming stronger.

Sometimes it takes a sleepless night to cut through the day dream of everyday life.

Maybe I am growing up, but I'll never be perfect.



But I'm human, and it's OK.

It's OK.

Hole in my head

wake up to find a hole in my head

don't get up, i'll mess up the bed

don't get excited, the hole could get righted

don't fly away, just lay and decay

don't try to hide, it finds you in time

instead, let it go

it'll consume you, so nothing can grow
it'll fuel you, so things go real slow
it'll include you, and everyone you know

The hole, which started in bed, seems to have made it around my head!

The hole took its time, like pickles in brine, and soon everything seemed to feel fine.




But the truth was much worse,
like some sort of curse,
like dreams still unearthed,
like love without worth,

the hole ate my soul, and with such a toll, my spirit let go

And the outside smile, so vivid and wild, gave mask to the life that inside had turned vile.

"you can't hide from your writing, so don't even try"

I don't fuck around with silly games, or made up names.

There is no time for secret ways, or made up days.

There just no more life in something when two don't play at it.

I don't meant to be inconsiderate.


But no one plays me, not even a little bit.

My ADD is killing me.

In both a physical and metaphorical sense.


It's probably not even clinically testable, but I'll be dammed if I can focus on anything longer than a few minuets.


It makes for a life full of bursts of moments, seconds of interaction.

It makes for life of brief encounters.



I need this fixed

I feel like I can't do this alone, but I probably will have to.


Unless that isn't true at all.




This is the flaw.

It's hard for me to feel anything.

Will we go to heaven or will we go to hell. It's my understanding that neither are real.

"Don't worry about mine, imma grind till I get it"

"And if you don't believe me then leave me be"

a tired mess is better than a useless body.

"The world is always ready to receive talent with open arms"




I know what I need to do.

Now lets just set up my life for that.

Simplest love.

I don't even know what I am feeling right now.

This decade is almost over, and I try to remember where I was when it began.

A house in Mexico City, I had spent the better part of the night trying to explain how to play football to the Mexican kids in my broken Spanish, the evening was wrapping up so we went into a sort of living room and watched the TV and waiting for it to become midnight.

The fireworks outside were exploding as my little sister, mother and I watched the millennium die and be reborn into where we are now. Her next year would be her last, and the next ten years would make me who I am today.


A decade passes, life was so simple, what will another decade do to my life?

If we're all slices of each other than what slice am I to you?
I want to be your best slice, and I want you to be mine.

Eventually the mind gives up as well, and it's hard to bounce back from that.

get me out of here.

get me back here.

The clouds parted and they told me a story:

"Don't search for fame,


Don't search for glory.


Keep your eyes blazing and keep their sight blurry.


The clouds part when you ask them, so never ever worry."

The choices I make.
And the faces I take.
The love we ache.
My heart won't break.

Road blocks and chopping shops, cigarette smoke, and armored cops

A mighty wind, inside stocks, strange blend, unhinged locks.

One undead dream, one living hope, faceless nights, golden rope

I can feel love flowing through me, so why am I so unhappy.






I see you all flying away everyday.

I wish I could go too.

South for the winter.

Anywhere, anytime, anyplace.

I need something different, but it makes for a lonely life.

you read the signs and you wonder if you read them wrong.

singing is fine, just make sure you know who wrote the song.

sing it real nice and maybe I will sing along.

sing it real slow and I know you got it going on.

I feel real close, let me teach you some more.

you can't imagine what is in store.

Base nector

I try to imagine the current Predisent or an ex President taking lsd.

They would probably go crazy.

Or maybe it would be a call to action.

who knows

Remember that I took the time to notice.

Remember that I took the time to dig.

There are so few of us around.

I need this connection.

And then it is.

I dunno if it's karma or what, but I don't think it is too much to ask for to not have to clean up your friend's puke the night before your huge midterm.

I mean really? I guess the high's in my life need these type of lows to balance out.

But jesus, i can't even bring myself to study anymore, so here I am writing this.

something has to give.

...and quietly a voice inside him said, "You don't have to go to college"

...and he did not know what to say.

...so he continued to float away

Slowwwwwww. Gotta get shit done this week. I would like to stay in college.

And i'd like to build a giant machine

that crushes the mountains and burns all the trees

and pees in the desert and dries up the seas

and melts all the ice caps and makes nature bleed

cause i want nature to suffer

and i want nature to cry

and i want nature to spit in my mouth

and i want nature to die

why is it so hard to stay above the surface?

SHIT.

I relax for a second and I am swamped once again.

I really need to take distractions out of my life, I need to fucking focus.

focus focus focus.

Oh oh oh

Haha, I haven't felt these type of feelings in quite some time.

Fresh/new/different

yet/so/familiar

/////////////////

we shall see how this goes.

Winter mode now

I'm glad you're becoming more social, I just wish you didn't choose MY personality to model.

This seems to happen a lot...

Everything I'm not makes me everything I am.

I am a big picture kinda guy.

I don't want to set the world on fire.

Everyday this world seems to slip and slip more, why dose nothing seem to get better.

Where are we going and why are we going there?

Maybe it didn't have to be this way.

Just vibrations in the fabric of space, time, and reality.

Vibrations.

I wonder what sound I make

October is here.

I can't save you all, first I have to save myself.

This whole Film thing might just work out.

No limit. No Limit. No Limit.No limit. No Limit. No Limit.No limit.

Now is the time to show the world what they are in store for.

I wish my friends thought like I did.


they dismiss me so much, I just wish they could understand.

I wish they would let themselves understand.







some friends, you think they have your back, but they just talk shit. What is up with that? I don't need that.




This happend in high school too. You're group of friends just can't relate to you anymore, they can't connect with you at the level you need them too.


so you shut down.


and you wait till you find those who can.


Because I can only ever be happy if I can find those people who I can actually relate too.




I love you all, I just feel by myself to often.

and I do not need that anymore in my life.

also.

fucking crazy night.

my life my life my life.



what the fuck is it

Survive long enough so I can save you USA.


Because I know what you need, and you need what I know.

This world is small, the big fish roam.

Failing this whole college thing right now. But no more.

If you're having girl problems I feel sorry for you son.

I got 99 problems, but a bitch aint one.

keep it simple





keep it real simple

I think as I begin to understand how the universe works better and better I understand how much this is all just one huge ride.

Infinite possibilities, forks in the road, whirlpools in the river of time.

Everything that could have happened, did happen, but I just happen to live in this particular universe.

I wonder how many times I've come to this conclusion.

"You know very well who you are
Don't let em hold you down, reach for the stars
You had a goal, but not that many
'cause you're the only one I'll give you good and plenty"

At such peace

overwhelmed

I need to focus.

Shattered glass.
A hidden flask.
A blank mask.

Love is just a word until you give it meaning.

Untill you give it direction.

The birds sing for everyone

Depressing.

depressing.

depressing.

I will just close my eyes and let myself type for a while.


what a beautiful life that was possible.

What a lifestyle that could have happened.

But of course nothing ever happens as you hope it would.

I am so done hoping for an ideal person. God I thought I knew you, but I guess I was wrong. How could someone I cared so much about cause me so much pain.

so much fucking pain.

I'm so depressed about everything. I need someone to save me again. But there is no one anymore.

So I call out to you. Who ever you are. There is no one I can trust anymore, no one I can talk to anymore. I wonder where you are.I wonder if you cam show me how to feel. How I am supposed to feel.




Because I am so done being rejected.

And I am so done trying to be in love with you.












my heart is so full of love.


just...no one wants it.

Done. Just done. Sigh. People just make themselves so un happy

(2/2) fucking crushed, but i wont't be anymore. This life shows me the way. I have faith in the things i cant understand. This life i

(1/2) I can't be so useless.. I mean atleast the new tellers look up to me for advice. This world blesses you with such a variety of things. I'm so crushed. So

I'm learning to live.

I'm learning to love.

I'm learning to breathe.

I'm learning to think.

I'm learning to believe.

It feels like I've been,
learning all over again.

Lessons are just lessons until you make them true.

People are just people until they know you.

If I go for a while, know that I'll be back.

I'll take a leave cause sometimes I need to spread my wings,

and fly fly fly away

The things we know.

The things we think we know.

And the things we create

in 

our

minds

I like it when bass beats in my heart.

Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.

The older I get the more I realize how strange my upbringing really was

People watching interests me greatly. College is nice.

"Let them write that he was a tragic figure, sir. Let the poets write that he had the tools of greatness, but the voices of his better angels were shouted down by his obsessive need to win."

Today I grew up a lot. I reached a reality few dare to stray into. I asked myself how I could ever go back....but here I am.

When i see fat kids I always wonder iffn they lived in a different era, would they be fat?

I think i wrote the begining of a story that will be pretty good if treated the right way....

break the surface, not my bones

Well, living by yourself certianly has its perks.

To feel the moisture in the air never felt so right.

It's dark in here, cept for candle light.

lone dog barking out of sight

the moon is not quite full

Hello Nebraska.

how good it is

I told you to forget about me!



Butttt, you called.


hahahaha, oh God.

Flights to North Carolina aren't THAT expensive.


oh the possibilities.

Jesus Christ I'm glad I am going home

Your letter finally got here.
Wonder what took so long.
It reminds me why I fell in love with you.
And I smiled.
Seperate paths, different lives
As it should be

Fuck new mexico food. I hope i never eat a green chile again.

This is all a ride.

I am alive and well.
But I don't know what I am.

I was never the same,
but I kept calling kept reaching.

As I learn more I come to realize that whatever happens,
whatever this life has in store for me,
the only thing I can do is live it.
and make the best decisions i can make
because in the end
my life will happen
and i will be there for the ride.

but I don't really belive that

do I?

Deep Sleep.

The mystery of music is facinating. What is it exactly?

Shopping with my host lady is the most interesting thing i've done all day. Cept getting some brain tonic. Won't this be interesting. Seven days

Nobody comes through in this town, seriously, this town is full of flakes.

Not that it matters, it is not like they are OBLIGED to hang out or be my friend, but it's a little fucked up when you say you'll do something and just don't.


Not that it matters anyway, i'll be out of this god for saken town in about a week.

Then, I can get on with the rest of my life and never think of here again.

i want to be home.


If I spend just 200 dollars in the next week I will come out of New Mexico 4 thousand dollars richer...



I just need to stay focused and remember that this happened for a reason.

This happened for a reason.

I find myself looking at the calander on my phone a lot and counting down the days before I return.Half way.How do you help a girl break through a brainwash?

Things are changing, and I find myself fantasizing of the possibilities.

When I come back there will be a house there.

And the house is where I will live.

Only, I am by myself, and no one will tell me what to do.

I am not so naive as to not realize how difficult this is going to be.

With the start of college the difficulties are bound only to increase.

But my God am I excited for what the future holds in store.




...








Of course I always am.

Is it sad to gather inspiration from a TV character?
I don't think so, one so well conceived as this one can do a lot more than just be on TV.

Mr.Don Draper.

His life only has one direction, forward.

One can learn a lot from that.

I can still feel that spark.
I just think it needs a little bit of air.

Had a dream that my friend was freaking out and he thought he was a robot, while I was trying to impress a girl, and it was so fucking funny I started laughing in real life and it woke me up.



awesome.

Sup title bar

I don't hate douche bags, I find them to be excellent reflections of our society without the burden of self reflection.


I satisfied my urge to consume today, but even I know that doesn't keep you satisfied for long or in a meaningful way.

So I bought a book.












Everyone has a different way to lie to themselves.

Almost halfway there. Walked probably like 3 to 5 miles around a part of this city called Nob Hill.Met an old lady who would not stop talking to me.AIRATTTAIOM?

Well everything seems to be turning around. n.n

Well everything seems to be turning around. n.n

well thats more like it.

and then suddenly you realize the world is full of horrors that you'll never exerpince.

and people have it much worse than you do.

so you sit down and talk to them.

and write down what you feel.

Everything sucks.

everything.

I just threw away the popcorn. Everything evens out. I'll have my time...karma I guess

Depressing life. About to go see harry potter. The fucking tub of popcorn tastes like shit. I don't mean to complain but come on, throw me a fucking bone.

get me out of here.

I do this purely for the money.

This has to be worth it, this has to mean something, I just need to keep an open mind.

But it's hard when things are so dull.




I don't hate this city, I just wish I had someone to share it with.

sometimes I just want to explode.


I just want to shout out everything I've ever felt.

I hate when people don't talk to me.

I can only hope that there is a reason for all this, a reason I'm stuck in the middle of the desert, a reason I feel so shitty right now, and a reason why things are the way they are.

I just can't fucking handle emotions, fuck everything right now, I can't handle feeling so much all the fucking time.


Fuck. this.

I guess I'll just have to close up shop.
Run away, run away, run away.


I can't feel like this
all
the
time

the work couldn't be all mine

Do you live for the heat of the moment or do our dreams pass by without knowing it?

If you're with me let's get up and get going






come on lets go


come on lets go

Close my eyes.

This world takes love for granted.

Who am I anymore?

See inside.

Wait not for their lies.

Can't seem to get myself outta bed. I really should try. No one in town this weekend except me...the thought of the 2,000, for better or worse, keeps me going.

The lack of friends might be starting to get to me. Temporary homesickness I hope.

This guy here said I lookes like I was from southern mexico. Interesting, i never realized some people could tell

Tmrw I will move to my new place, perhaps then can I explore more. I am the only male intern, oh my.

Only on my second day here, but mannnn are thiings slow right now. Let's hope it picks up soon! I want to explore this city.

The sunsets here are beautiful

The combo of lack of sleep, the mix of people at the airport, and my anxiousness is making my mind wonder wildly. The desert landscape is haunting and beautiful

I fall in love. Maybe that is my problem. Am I so strange for falling in love?

the planes aren't the only things taking off at this airport.

Every passing glance at the airport makes me wonder what a life with that person in it would mean. So much life being lived every single day.

ALL ABOARD!

THIS IS YOU'RE LAST TASTE OF THE ESSENCE WE LIKE TO CALL ADOLESCENCE.

AFTER THIS VOYAGE, THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.













one month to forget about it all.




When I get back: the rest of my life.

I knew you two would split.
It's interesting to see why though.







I hope it's not too hard living with you.
I can already see where problems might arise.
But hopefully, like in everything, the good times cancel out the bad.

Flashes to the north.
Silent light strikes the night.
There is no need for thunder.

and the moon makes me wonder.

What I do with the English language is my business.



Do I what? English is my business, the language.


The English language, with the "I" "Do" "is" "my". What Business!





....

I hate not getting sleep.
The desert is coming soon.

And I will leave this town again.
And when I come back, there is no time for a mend.
Either i'll float or I'm in for a bend.
The lovers are lovers, the friends are friends.








What do you do, when boys become men?

like a dying star

It wish I had more patience.

They say passion is hard to sustain.










something.needs.to.happen.

Something needs to happen

I need to sit down with someone and just talk and talk and talk and talk. Someone who gets it. So I can maybe flesh out some of these thoughts.

It's all about confidence.

Confidence in what you do, in what you see, and what you believe, and what you want to be.

Now that I am back home I have been able to digest what exactly just happened to me.

I gives me a little bit of context, I know where I fit in a little better.

I think the biggest thing I have found out that I don't think too highly of myself, compare me to people from around the country and I still shine.

It's all about confidence.

Every time I leave this town it changes.
I love just driving around, just feeling myself go faster and faster while I let my thoughts escape me and create their own universes.

Where I go isn't as important as how I got there.
"I think you'd do better in a bigger city"
Well, I must say, I definitely agree with you.
But this is my home, this is where my heart lays.
I still have some growing up to do.
And I'd like to grow up by my heart before I do what I need to do.

I talk a lot about myself here, but that is mostly so I can just digest what happens to me, so I can look back and see why I am how I am years later.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I.

She said she liked me cause I was so chill.
Good thing I'll never see her again :p

I am so ready to create something new.
To explore how much I grew.
And to love you too.

Old people interest me quite a bit. I observe one working on a computer and I wonder how much crazy shit he's seen. The one next to him is staring. Wonder why?

What did I learn? I learned that my passion is not a limitation. That my experince should be shared for mutual art. And that girls are shady everywhere..

I try to write what my heart feels, but sometimes the words don't translate.

I try to think about what I am really doing, impulses in my brain are commanding my fingers to move and push buttons, and on the screen comes up letters, symbols, splashes of light.

And apparently this muscle in my body, this entity that is compromised of star dust, chemicals and organic matter, apparently this thing is the cause of it all.









Where does this come from?

I think this week has helped me a lot.

I know I'm not alone, people actually share my story, my confusion.

Where do I fit? Who am I?

And how the fuck did I end up in Lincoln Nebraska?


"For too long have we lived in the shadow of the star spangled banner"

...

This world is crazy! I can barely handle it anymore.

Why? I just wonder so much.

So many questions, so many half truths, so many lies.

Pain, suffering, death and confusion.

politics, hierarchy, hypocrisy









But then, whats love got to do with it?




"let's follow our hearts and make something of ourselves."

I always like the middle best.
There is such drive, such motivation.

I can't decide how I want to live my life.
But I don't have to decide yet.



And I guess the truth is, I never have to decide.

Cause the life I'm trying to decide to have, is the life I'm living anyway.










I can feel my soul crying.

I wish I could save everyone.

The kids here are...like me. What is this? Suddenly the world does not seem so lonley.

I feel like...I belong.

Sitting in the plane waiting to start this program. We shall see what I will learn this week.

June 19th.

God I hate this day.

I'm doing a mini documentary on the children of the rehab patients at the Antlers Center.

I interviewed the first kid today, she was 10 years old.














That's how old I was.













Was I really so young?

We know not what comes after death, but we know that death comes after us.

Humans.


















One day we will see.


The day we become everything.

"If this is how you folks make art, its fucking depressing."


sometimes I just let myself type and type and type until i run out of things to say. Today i told one of my former better friends that I thought she did to many drugs, she seemed really standoffish about it but hopefully the jolt of reality has made her head start thinking. So much talent to waste, so much talent to waste.


Soon I will do this with another friend who I feel is wasting away their life, is it really my place to do this to these people? I don't want to be THAT friend, the preachy mother fucker no one can stand, but jesus, so much talent to waste and talent is not very common in all honesty.


Man today was nuts, i had to make some car insurance payments and boy o boy was it a dent in my wallet, well in all honesty it really wasn't all that much cause I can afford it THANK GOD, I feel light years ahead of some people when it comes to growing up, it still hasn't hit my like a ton of bricks as I was promised it would but at least I know the bricks are coming.


and knowing is half the battle

to keep this up you have to type even if you have nothing to say, and so that is exactly what I am doing right now.

I went to other wells fargos to see how they all worked, some where better, others worse. I like where I work. Everyone is real nice and I finally think I have them mostly figured out. It is just too bad I might not get a chance to let them know me :O


I feel destinies pulling at me. and they desperately want to win. They both want to take my life and run with it, but I have the final word, the final choice to see where I go.

I feel like I am someone with a destiny, maybe I'm just full of myself, but Idk, does everyone feel like this? I just feel like something is guiding me, like there is a plan.


I think the universe, or whatever the fuck it is that is guiding me is pulling me towards political science/law or film/entrainment industry.

I have no the time to be big time in both areas.

Latinos are about to wield so much power, and sooner rather than later. And I would be lying if I didn't want to be a part of that.

But this up rise must also be caught in art, and I'd like to be a part of that too.

I want to make a movie on the experience of one of my friends, I already have the boy I want to make a film about, now I just need the girl. I already have some ideas.


"And I hope that our candles flicker and die, so our hearts don't burn to the ground"

Man o man, "lets get some soda?" That made me chuckle, I wonder why you are how you are.

And i wonder why I am how I am


My family, I wish I knew them better.

My little nephew is so cool, he loves all the little jokes I do with him, but I feel like a douche bag cause he doesn't play with anybody else when I'm around.

But maybe I should just think about his happiness and play with him :)


New student enrollment is coming up, I think I shall take intro to anthropology. Why? Because I feel like my life is pulling me there as well.


So we'll just go with the flow.


This seems to be very long but I'm just typing typing away.

I love poetry, I just wish i understood it.


This is raw, this is me, this is what I am meant to be.

Just a little memory.




take my advice, please, just please.


you

are the reason

"If i don't go to hell when I die I might go to heaven"


but probably not.

my fingers are tired.



PHEW!

"You live in a unforgivng place."

I know everyone feels like their life

I wonder if it's not already too late...




Maybe I missed the bus.

"And did they tell you the name of the game, boy? They call it riding The Gravy Train"














Iran burns, as I shop for over prices laptops.



When will my karma catch up with me?

Sticks and stones my break my bones

But words, they can convert me. 

My fascination with greatness has recently gotten me fascinated with the lives and trials of the computer industry, a place I wanted to enter as a freshman in high school.

I wanted to be a computer programer, mostly because of the influence of my older brother I do believe.

Where did my want to be a movie director take shape? I remember when it was mostly a joke I told to myself, when did it become feasible to me?

If I ever do make it it big, it's crazy to think that one little change, one minor deflection in my life that I did between the ages of 14-16 changed my life forever and ever.

That being said, what decisions am I making now that will do the same?

I think we both know, lets just say it already, k?

A poet never sleeps, 

But a dreamer never wakes up.

So which one am I?

Using my sociological perspective...

*using a meyer voice of course

My goodness, facebook. I love the social patterns you can see on that website. 

Interesting thing happend to me on the way to the office today...

...i graduated from LHS.

today I experienced the greatest feeling of my life.

Nothing is the same.

Yet nothing really changed.

My heart is beating slowly.

To the universe: thank you.

It's all about who you know. As long as I am in this town I have a bubble of connections wherever I go. I mean, the CEO of wells fargo getting me a job? Jesus.

The thunder shouts, while the moon whispers.

It's hard to understand what they are saying sometimes.

Everytime I talk to you I feel a little empty inside.

Like a part of me is missing that you took away from me.

I don't linger on you.

Only when we speak.

Are you really as happy as you say you are?

...and i'd like to take advantage of a flock of wild birds, 

to make, to make my escape from this planet...

I'm going to get over it, it is simply a question of when, I hope you're ready for that.

The lighting dazzels, and the rain cries

The grass grows, while the sun shines.

As one chapter closes, another begins.

There is no middle, there is no end.

As one chapter closes, another begins.

Friends. Blend. End.

Make amends? 

Someday i'll hit send. 

and then.....

I hadn't talked to you in about two months.

I did not tell you this, nor will you ever read this, but my god did it feel nice to talk to someone who listens like you do.

you do, voodoo, shamu.

My head is a blur, but that is okay.

I hope my sister does not have swinr flu :/ this lays heavy on me.

High school is over, let the real work begin.

If I don't go to hell when I die I might go to heaven

I think my heart is still off balance. I know I want something but I don't know what it is anymore.

You know I mean no mallice.
I feel i've been here before.

Breakfast with my familey. Simple pleasures makes my esssince smile. Last day of school is coming. And i am ready.

leave your brain at the gate

And let you're 5,000 year old emotions take over.

I like it when my brain is numb. Feel my heartbeat and my pulse get dumb.

Today i saw a police turn on his turbo engine and race by in one of the most beautiful part of town. And i wonder where it goes.

Not to tute my own horn, but i'd say I am a resilent guy. I take most set backs in stride.I just wonder where the emotions I bash off go.Hopefully not inside me

It all feels like a dream. First hispanic on the supreme court. Fuck yes!

So close

yet so far away.

I just wanted to grow together.

I find it crazy that I went over to your house with the intention of telling you how much I was willing to work it out this summer, I wonder how you'd feel if you knew that is what I was going to tell you.

but you talked first.

of course.

I can't tell what you want from me.

They say never let someone waste your time.

I wonder if this will all make sense one day.

Ol' Dirty Bastard

He knows what is up.

" I accept chaos. I don't know whether it accepts me."

I enjoy getting what I like. Things are real nice. Who is it looking after me?

Chief Justice Benito Sanchez

Has a nice ring to it really.

People look at me in a different way when i'm dressed for work. Latino people in particular, and most interestingly: latino girls XD

Introspection

I like to shake things up.

Maybe I am just more curious.

I seem to make a lot of decisions based on my simple desire to know why, or how.

When will it stop though? How far will I go, just to know?

I crave to share everything with everyone.

The good, the bad, the sad, the glad.

....

It's difficult not to feel frustrated: sometimes I feel like Plato's character in the cave who saw the light, and other times I feel like an ignorant pig who leaves a trail of filth behind him.

But why would I not want to share an experience so special and close to me?
This must be what some Christians feel like.

I want to find the one who will allow me to explore all sides of them.

Perhaps too selfish a wish.

But in case I ever do find you, allow me to address you directly right now:  

This world isn't big enough for the likes of us, so let's just leave right after we meet up. 

A handshake, and just like that we'll be gone.

 To explore space, inner and outer, with each other forever and ever.

I know i'll never find you.

Sleep paralysis

Is really freaky.

I woke up and I was able to move?! But I could only move a certain way, with like slow arm movements, and I kept hallucinating about a boy and a girl in my vision, only they were upside down.

I need to know whats going on....but I'll be dammed if i'm not curious as fuck about all this.

Time to explore

The moon whispers sweet nothings and the cookies bring good fortune. The air smells fresh. The night sounds bold. I am alive.

Let me thank who ever I need to thank for my blessed life. When things go good my soul is set free. I love everyone. Living life is to fun to think about death.

Lack of light

I get sleep paralysis pretty regularly, it is not a big deal to me anymore, it would be mildly traumatizing as a child, but I like to play around with it now  cause it is interesting.

But last night I had a particularly powerful experience though, and for the first time in quite a while I felt legitimate terror.

As I've gotten older I've started hallucinating while the sleep paralysis takes effect, shadows will form objects and start talking, things like that, but I am not sure what happened last night, I seem to remember thinking there were ghosts filling my room and I wanted to move so badly, but I couldn't move and every time I tried waves of terror would wash over me, I was so scared. 

...and then the oddest sensation of my life. Sleep paralysis is caused because the body still thinks you are still REM sleeping. As I tried to get out, it felt like my brain was pulling me into a dream world, while I tried desperately to stay conscious and in the real world. I then felt my brain almost switch back to reality and allowed me to move. It was really intense and I just laid there gasping for air for a while.

u_u, I wish I could just fall asleep. 

Oh the power.

Of alcohol.

That devil sneaks up on you.

I wouldn't know though, I don't drink.

:O

One day I'll understand why those two are so strange...

The day was so beautiful, it was hard to comprehend.

The happier I am with life, the more spirtual I get.

I talked to my friend how today was a blessed day, and he started ranting about how it wasn't bleessed and just a good day.

It pissed me off, why can't it be blessed? Why can't you feel like this world, this life, this existance is giving you a gift, a break, a blessing?

The more spirtual I get the less alone I feel in the world.

Can you not see we're both heading to heartbreak?

Maybe some things are worth it.

It'll all make sense when it needs too. 

It's okay my little rabbit friend, we're all hidding from something.

A beautiful wind

Today I was driving home from work and I mused about how blessed I am in this life.

My heart is content, and my spirit sings.

The air makes me happy to be alive.

Blogging helps the time pass by. This backpack is heavy but I am almost halfway there. I am going to walk by Everett. Brace for nostolga bomb.

I find myself walking home after school. Most kids could have spared some time but I didn't expect them too really. The day is refreshing and I like the birds.

It's raining in Lincoln Nebraksa.

Could we be at the crisp of a worldwide death banaza?

I will put those thought to rest at the moment.

Jesus Chirst

I wish some people would just leave me alone and stop sending me the most awkward texts XD.

take a hinttt >.<

My friend got pulled over yesterday with a few buddies and I in the car.

The cop wanted to search the car, but my friend handled it well and asked if we were free to go, we were so we just left.

In another universe somewhere, that cop searched that car.

....but then again, in another universe the cop could have partied with us.

This is a strange world we live in.

Car has broken down kinda, I can still drive just sort of scary to do. Start work on tuesday, I hope the people there are real cool.

you

Make me forget.

So much desire, but you make me forget.

allow me to open up your passions.

(2/2) wish they were animals and not machines. This world isn't big enough for all of us.

(1/2) Sitting outside on a bench next to wra strangely at peace. My life is about to enter a very busy period. The sounds of cars passing by is soothing, but I

I think the world we live in is just amazing. I hope so much that it is not too late to save it. Happy Earth day :).

I wonder if i'd work the gravyard shift at russ's or just give up or do something illegal for money. I like this better than twitter because it is mostly for me

How many people think reality is what they see with their eyes?

This is mostly just a test, also: finally going to get glasses

"watch yourself boy"

Power.

Prestige.

Privilege. 

you and I misbehaving

How did my life end up here?

So, officially have college paid for, horry for scholarships!

New job starting in a week, 10.50 an hour. Not bad not bad, should provide me with quite a bit of cash really.

Have a girlfriend, hmm, I hope I can handle this. Things are still in that tasty place, lets keep em there.

Prom was fun. I forgot how much I liked dancing. The Oven has cool food. 

When to Russes, took a pic of the drug isle:

Why are we all so drugged up?

I find myself enjoying the moment more.

one of the best weeks of my life.

Hi

Hey, I think this is going to work out :)

What a great week, its not over yet though.

Good times are to be had.

For once, i'm letting gow, and living in the now.

many many i've known got lost.

Amazing week.

Let us not jinx it, kay?

k.

I think my new boss likes me n____n.

I'm set.

Got into UNL film school, horray! It's not USC, but I still have time for that in the future.

I think life is kinda like the stock market. 

Those who invest when it's lowest generate the highest return when it surges up.

My life is surging up at the moment, and I think one investor in particular is enjoying her retutn.

today was a good day, I hope for more, but happy with the ones i've had.

Not to self: You almost ran over somebody today, always watch for runners.

My heart is heavy

What causes the thoughts inside my head?

I need something to motivate me before all is lost.

The nature of a friend, the nature of a friend.

"True love will find you in the end"

So I'm going to church this easter.

Something is always different when I go lately, what will I pick up on this time?

I've set up an interesting situation,

 once again I have to choose between instant gratification and long term happiness,

 history shows which one usually wins.

If I translated what I was saying it wouldn't be as mysterious.

My dad really wants me to go, I always wonder what he thinks of me

I think its worth waiting, but not forever.

Before I know it you'll be gone, I am scared to get too attached

I came home, and now I'm about to sleep.

just like you wanted.

Will it just be like they're dreaming? 
Will it be just like I'm dreaming? 
Will it just be like they're dreaming? 
Will it be just like I'm dreaming?